We are slowly being to wrap our brains around how all of this will be changing our lives and it's a bit to take in. We just met with one of the nurses for about an hour who went over the first section of a big binder about Lincoln's future care. One day at a time. I just keep telling myself that.
Feeling the weight of all of it.
When I was first told that for Lincoln it would be a total of about a 3 year process before it was completely over that was a lot. Then I accepted it and told myself that would be it and we would get through it and we would be done forever. Then yesterday afternoon we were visiting with Lauren's grandma. Lauren is a sweet little girl who's been here for a while. I assumed it was her first time around but learned from her grandma that Lauren was initially diagnosed as a baby at 17 months. She'd been in remission for 5 years....but now, at nine years old they are back. She had a relapse. Her hair is gone again. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe this won't be gone forever after three years. Maybe this will haunt us forever. When I think about that it's hard to breath.
Lincoln's First Steps
The first few days Lincoln was really sore and had some legitimate pain from his bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap. It hurt to walk and stand so we carried and held him for a couple days. On the 5th night however I knew he was feeling better and could walk. He was crawling all around and kicking his legs when we'd change his diaper but every time we tried to stand him up on his feet he tucked his knees to his chest and refused. He'd completely reverted physiologically and was convinced it hurt to walk. Eventually we got him to try and I don't think I'll ever forget his little face. It was like he was walking for the first time. He started out slowly shuffling along but with in minutes he picked up speed and his shaky little legs remembered what to do and his face beamed with pride and excitement. He spent the next half hour walking up and down the hallway in his diaper and T-shirt, IV pole rolling along beside him - happy as could be.
Gifts at exactly the right time
Everyone has been so incredible and we have felt so loved and supported this week. Several people have sent or dropped off little gifts and they seem to arrive at exactly the right time. Lincoln hates it when I leave the hospital but sometimes I have to come home and shower and see Sawyer and have a tiny, little break. Today he had a rough morning. They introduced a new drug as a part of the chemo therapy. He couldn't leave his room for a couple hours and they had to take his vital signs every 15 minutes so he was particularly grumpy and clingy. I needed to leave but was feeling extra nervous about it. Before I left the primary president arrived with some gifts. Lincoln got engaged in making the little puppets she dropped off and I was able to slip away without him even noticing. Those little tender mercies mean so much to me.
Family and Friend Fast
Yesterday so many friends and family and my entire ward fasted for Lincoln and our family. Through out the day I stopped multiple times to think about all the people who were thinking of us, praying for us, and fasting for us and felt overwhelmingly loved. Thank you.