That’s right. In early April Sawyer will be a Best Big Bro too and it’s pretty exciting. I’m 13 weeks and starting to feel a little bit better, but I will say the past two months I have felt horrible. I’m glad I’m getting this in writing because I always forget how awful it is. Ryan tries to remind me but I don’t believe him. Mommy amnesia at it’s best.
I don’t know that I’ve felt that much worse than I did with my other pregnancies, I think it was just so awful because of everything else horrible that was the past two months in addition to the pregnancy sickness. I can honestly say it was in so many ways the hardest, most challenging time of my life. Having a sick child is miserable. Especially when he’s on steroids having crazy tantrums and you’re spoon feeding him the same nauseating foods every hour for days, and up all night when you’re exhausted. It was bad. Really, really bad. A big thank you to the amazing friends who helped me through. Friends who I’d only known for a few weeks in most cases. I can’t tell you what you mean to me and how grateful I am for your kindness and love.
Ryan tried to warn me and wanted to wait to try to get pregnant until Lincoln was in maintenance phase, but the crazy inside me thought I could do it and it wouldn’t be that bad…..and what if it took us years or 5 miscarriages to have success? And I hated that Lincoln’s sickness was controlling our family planning. I didn’t want it to take away from the potential big, close in age family I wanted. In retrospect would I have waited…? Ask me in a few years when mommy amnesia sets in :) All I can say is right now things are so much better because Lincoln and I both feel better – so now we can be happy. And these two definitely are.
In other news, Lincoln has had 3 weeks of delays now in his treatment and goes in tomorrow to see if his blood counts are high enough to start the second half of Phase 4. I hope it is. I want to get him into maintenance. It’s right around the corner. If his counts are up and he’s able to start they’ll slam him with a bunch of chemo and a spinal tap on Wednesday and then lots of pills and chemo for 28 days and then maintenance. I’m gearing up mentally and physically. I really hate it. It’s so hard seeing him feel so good and normal and knowing that it has to end with another round of chemo. But, I try and remember how much worse it could be. How he hasn’t relapsed. How he’s doing well. How I have incredible support. How what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. How Heavenly Father guides and directs all things, and so no matter what happens it will be okay.