Consolidation Day 27 - General conference

Well, we're half way through consolidation Phase today. Now, we rinse and repeat everything we just did the past 27 days, except this time around he doesn't have any spinal taps. So in theory it shouldn't be as bad right? That's what I'm hoping. Not that it was horrible...but it still wasn't fun. It's still the complete opposite of fun. Monday he'll get accessed and then come home and receive home care treatments every day through Thursday, then again next Monday through Thursday, and he'll be back on the pill that he can't eat anything with for a couple hours before and after. I'm crossing my fingers that he'll just chew it up for us with out a fight like he did last time.

After this phase is over he'll start Intermin Maintenance Phase the first week of May. That phase has me all stressed out. He'll be hospitalized over night Monday through Thursday or Friday every other week for two months. I've finally accepted the fact that he can't come to either of my siblings weddings. This. breaks. my. heart. I had a good cry over it a couple weeks ago. I so badly wanted all four of us to be there. All of his cousins and aunts and uncles will be there. This means Ryan can't go to either wedding too. Both weddings are in Utah. One is June 2nd, and the other is June 15th. The plan was for me to take the boys out for three weeks and just have a grand old time and Ryan would meet us for the weddings. It was going to be so fun. I hate that he can't come and that I will likely be making two trips out instead of one. Ughhh!!!! Okay, pity party over. Take a look at these two happy couples. They make me smile :)
My Brother Tom and his beautiful bride Carrie.

My beautiful sister and her fiancee Austin.

I'm so happy for them both and so excited to share in their special days, but it will be bitter sweet not having Ryan or Lincoln with us. I hope I'm able to get over it and enjoy the weddings. It would be a shame not to.

I'm not sure how to coordinate all of Lincoln's hospitalizations. Someone will have to be with Lincoln in the hospital at all times and someone will have to be with Sawyer at all times. My parents can't come out and help because they'll be busy with wedding stuff, and I think my mother in law will come out for the last hospitalization and then stay and help us pack because we're moving at the end of June, but that leaves three hospitalizations with no great plan. I think I'll end up bouncing Sawyer around the neighborhood every day and hope he doesn't catch anything. I'm so grateful for such awesome friends who I know will be happy to help.

Overall though I can't complain. It hasn't been all that bad lately. Sometimes I almost forget that he's sick because most days he acts pretty normal. I forget that it's really serious. Then other times I lay awake and night and I let my mind go to places I shouldn't and I am absolutely terrified. I imagine how I would feel if a doctor ever told me he had relapsed. If he did he'd have to start his treatment over again from the beginning and his chances of surviving go way down. The thought is more than I can bare.

Also, I really miss hanging out with my girlfriends and their kids. I miss having friends over.

On a positive note, it's conference weekend! Every six months we get to be uplifted and encouraged through the church's world wide general conference. I love to listen to our prophet and apostles speak as they give us guidance and council from the Lord. I'm so grateful for the gospel and church in my life. It gives me so much peace and hope and because of it I know that no matter what happens in my life everything will be okay. If you're unfamiliar with the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, you should look into it! It will change your life and the knowledge you'll receive from it will carry you through any trial and any hardship. Come listen to a prophet's voice and enjoy the awesomeness that is conference.

Happy Spring :)